Bill B. snoozing on my floor and Miss Ebba
I am just now realizing that I am a little obsessed with dogs. Probably because I want one of my own so badly. What keeps me from having one? Busy-hectic-crazy schedule; dogs, like kids need things to be stable and consistent. On a deeper level, I am hesitant to get my heart broken again. Is it possible I am still recovering from losing (besides other things) Sabrina and Tiger??
The two redheads I used to call them. Sabrina, a golden retriever that I shared with my Mom and Tiger, my (then) partner's orange tabby. Damn, I loved that cat. He died right before Sabrina. Tiger was always trying to make friends with Sabrina but she wasn't having it. In her mind she thought, "who the hell brought this damn CAT into the house?". Can't say that I blame her.
Why the sudden animal reflection? Three things, watching Avatatar last nite (another separate post), the Family of Origins exercise in my Artistic Identity class and this cute guy I've been dating lost his dog just a month ago.
The Family of Origins exercise was surprisingly hard. After 20+ years of therapy it is still a sore spot. As I did the meditation, traveling back thru time to when I was a little girl with my parents, it was all amazingly fresh and vivid. Certain scenarios are etched all too clearly in my mind. One of the most graphic; sitting in the kitchen at our small round table. The three of us, Mom, Dad and myself are supposed to be having a 'family' dinner together (??????). It is dinner time, and my Dad who no longer works, has made dinner while drinking all day (from the time he has gotten up). Mom has returned home from work. I've been home since school let out in the afternoon. The three of us are at the table, Dad is very drunk and ranting and raving at Mom. Mom is drunk + tranquilizers. I am sitting there...kinda watching it all.
During the meditation I am in two places; I am myself as a child and I am my adult self watching the whole thing. I am aware that my parents are oblivious to my presence. How long did I stay there pretending to be their daughter? I was not their daughter... I was no one. Which in a strange way was very very good. Because it left me the freedom to invent myself. But for years and years I was lost and searching; thru my teens, my twenties and even into my thirties. I feel like only now, at the age of 44, am I starting to get a clue as to who I am and actually having a small amount of self acceptance.
As I left my Mom and Dad at the kitchen table, locked into their twisted dynamics with each other, I wandered thru my childhood house. I walked thru the hallway and found Sasha!! My beloved black labador who was my childhood companion and stable source of love, encouragement and stability. We immediately went into the backyard to play and left my parents to their own sickness.
Both Bill B. and Ebba are regular sources of joy in my life. I see Bill B. every time I go to work. Our R.N. nurse brings him to work every day and he offers love and wonderful stress relief to staff and clients alike. He also kinda snorts like a pig which is seriously cute. When I first met Bill B. at 4 months old I immediately felt and 'saw' his huge open heart. It kinda floored me to encounter another creature that was that loving and open. He is still that open and loving, just a little more macho about it now that he's a 'big dog'.
Ebba is just a little angel puff. When I first met her she was small enough to fit on the dashboard of her owners car. She then grew a little and became quite delightfully (to me) wild and mischeivious. It was a little much for her owners but if they had just given her to ME.......I took care of her for a couple of months during her wild phase while her owners were away and yes, she was a handful but also VERY smart and easy to train if you were consistent. Whenever I see her now she does the same thing that she used to do as a puppy with me; she stands on her hind legs with her front legs on one of my legs while I'm sitting down so I can pet her and kiss on her.
Some day I'll have my own.
