Looking back over the 3 mandalas it is obvious to me that this is the one I did before going to sleep. Even though I was in bed and ready for sleep my mind was still going a mile a minute. I was thinking, thinking, thinking......

The intellectual aspect of this mandala is very obvious to me. This style of art work is not usually what I'm drawn to just because of the heavy intellectual component. But it was also very interesting to see how my mind can make up images depending on my state of mind.

It was easier than I thought it would be to wake up at 3:30 a.m. to do this mandala. I was very surprised as to the image that came out. Even though I was technically 'awake' it became very clear to me that some other part of my consciousness was operating. My waking mind was just the vehicle for whatever was going on.

I remember mostly waking up and feeling grateful as I made this mandala. Grateful to be at JFKU, grateful to be in this class, grateful to be back after the Thanksgiving break. And I remembered feeling the same feeling I had after the 3 week summer break; a great relief to be back in school. It is some kind of anchor for me; some kind of validation for a reality that is so hard to find in my everyday world. Again and again I remind myself that I need to cultivate that in my life more. I think that I am not sure how to sometimes.

Before leaving class last nite I talked to Robbyn about doing my mandalas and she affirmed that it would be a good nite to do it since it was a full moon. It was so nice to talk to Robbyn and have this understanding about the full moon without having to go into explanations or justifications. We have a shared knowledge about the moon being full and the significance of that. It is almost like speaking another language or being in a secret club. I realize that I hunger for that kind of reality more than I let on to myself.

3 Mandalas

As I woke up, I resisted the temptation to grab a cup of coffee before I did my waking mandala. I wanted to stay with my state of mind as much as possible. I knew that if I even got out of bed and started my morning routine that it would influence my mandala. This was not about routine. This was about the mind just waking and I was curious and I wanted to find out what it was about.

I was surprised at how easily I fell into making my mandala and how easily I became unconcerned by the concept of time. I am usually racing with time in the morning, but today I took just a few moments to be present with this process. An image of water with strong quiet waves filled my mind. I realized that my mind had 'settled' with the sleep that I had had. And the flurry of activity at 3:30 a.m. had subsided. It was a tangible example of what sleep does to my mind, for my mind and therefore for my body as well. It was a reminder of what an important tool it is. It was also great investigating the different times and the mood that each held. The first waking mood was calm, peaceful, recharged and open.

SACRED SPACES/SACRED CORNERS

For as long as I can remember I have collected things. There were the usual seashells from Ocean Beach along with polished beach glass and black stones that looked much prettier when they were wet from the ocean water.

As I got a little older I graduated to forest like things; gold and red maple leaves that littered the ground in GG Park, twigs with green moss growing on them, more rocks, feathers and of course flowers.

Still maturing, I started to boldly incorporate small plastic toys, brightly colored anything, broken glass, found objects, junk store finds, and lace that someone else's grandmother made.

For years I did this. Not knowing what compelled me to pick up some shiny object from the street that everyone else easily passed by. Once I found a great treasure; a wooden box and in it a notebook that was half burned. The spiral binding was still intact. It stayed in the corner of my room for a couple of years. Someone else's dreams-memories-confessions half burned away waiting to be either disposed of or made into art. I finally did throw it away and wondered why I had kept it for so long......

Now I collect more than ever; a friends heart shaped doggie treats, a broken skull and cross earring that's been run over several times, bright orange crepe paper that the thanksgiving flowers were wrapped in, old poetry books, magazines....the list is endless. I collect now with a fervor and intention that was lacking earlier. Now everything that I am drawn to has some small spark of meaning, some small intention as it whispers for me to pick it up. Now everything has the possibility of something more than just itself for now it will be mixed, combined and married to some other finds.

This process has me picking up small miracles as I go along in my day. Little tidbits left by the Divine Mother for me to contemplate and play with; little clues to the mystery that is an almost invisible undercurrent that is constantly flowing around us.

THE FOUR SELVES; 4) MY FUTURE SELF

My Future Self???? Oh God, WHO KNOWS?????? I do LOVE the crazy pink outfit though. It would be a blast to have somewhere to wear that. Other than that, well heck, "Art in America"? If you are going to dream, might as well dream BIG!

THE FOUR SELVES; 3) THE SPIRITUAL SELF

My Spiritual Self is also fairly straight forward. This part of myself is about truth, beauty, compassion and letting go; finding a calm center within even though there are storms outside,cultivating discipline and appreciating what I have.

I find joy often in small things. I try not to get bogged down by other people's stuff or their projections on me. I try and live my truth. I try and do good in the world even if it's as simple as not reacting when someone is being irrational with me.

I am not a Buddhist even though I have used a lot of Buddhist imagery. I do have a serious practice studying Hinduism.

P.S. I have a pretty strong obsession with cherry blossoms! It has calmed down in the last couple of years but I am still very drawn to them. I looked up the symbolism for them a year or so ago and they said that they represent spiritual beauty. Maybe that's why I have my whole right arm tattooed with them!

THE FOUR SELVES; 2) THE SECRET SELF

My Secret Self is actually pretty straight forward. She is a wild child who plays in the forest with wolves and deer and sleeps in piles of dried Autumn leaves.

She lives off of the forest and whatever she can steal from the surrounding farms. She is ODD, and doesn't bath regularly. She has branches and leaves in her hair.

There is more I could say about her, but then she wouldn't be secret......

THE FOUR SELVES;1) THE PUBLIC SELF

Here is my 'Public Self". So much of my public identity has been wrapped up in my career as a Chef/cook.

People and family have labeled me with this identity because it is easy, identifiable and socially acceptable. I have also let myself be labeled as well; perhaps because I was not sure of anything else to identify with.... or maybe I just wasn't ready yet.

Even though the figure is working hard, rolling out cookie dough, the eyes and the lips are pleasant and good looking. You must still be attractive even if you are sweating in a hot kitchen for 8+ hours a day!

There is another meaning though as well; the eyes and mouth are in a different direction than the rest of the figure. They appear to be looking back but maybe they are just looking elsewhere. Maybe the eyes and mouth are dreaming of a different direction even as the hands are working hard and rolling out cookie dough for the masses.

Since this role is also about customer service, a smile and a pleasant disposition is always necessary as well. Sometimes all this makes me feel like a 1950's housewife.

RIGHT SIDE UP!! :)

ARTIST LIFE SPIRAL

SORRY, this pic is upside down...perhaps not a bad thing though, could give a different perspective on things. Hopefully folks will be able to get a jist of things from the closeups also.

I really liked the readings on symbols. The idea that has most stuck in my head is the concept of "symbols can not be seperated from their meaning". Which makes me think back to a previous reading that talked about how we are limited by the symbols that we use. They have their limitations as to what they can express even at the same time as they try to express things that 'cannot quite be grasped'.

I also appreciated all the examples in the first reading and how the author wrote very plainly about a subject that could become quite confusing.

It was interesting comparing signs v.s. symbols and how signs have no 'excess meaning' and can be replaced according to what is current. The distinction is never something that I have thought about before. What also resonated with me is that not everyone thinks in symbols or symbology and not everyone accepts symbols. As the author says, "In order to actually experience symbols as symbols...we must be prepared to respond emotionally". So engaging the emotions is an intrinsic part of using, reading and interpreting symbols.

All this information was good for me to have in the background as I worked on my spiral. I realized that the symbols that I used have personal significance to ME but now I also have a broader understanding that they might also have significance and meaning for someone else. This new awareness around using symbols is and will be very important to me as I incorporate more symbols into my artwork.

Fleshy with Stilletos

The collage has been on my closet door for a week now.....I keep looking at it and noticing the contrast in colors between the top and the bottom (the more blue is actually on top). The bottom is so fleshy...fleshy with stilletos.

All week I've been looking at it and thinking, "what will I post, what will I post....". It seems redundant to say the obvious; that I(we) am bombarded with images of how I 'should' look, behave, act, live etc. etc. It is so obvious, so infused in our culture, it is like saying "the leaves on that tree are green". And still, I am under it's influence on a day to day basis. The fashion models get thinner and younger and I get older and thicker around the middle.

So, on that note, it is pretty depressing.... there MUST be another note to follow.

Ah, found one! Last nite I was visiting with my friend G. (not her real initial). We were talking about art, phsycology, drinking and smoking. G was having some white wine that I had brought and I was drinking non-alcoholic beer. G was also smoking a cig and I was very jealous of both her alcohol consumption and her nicotine consumption. I am on a 41 day abstinence from all my favorite things; meat, alcohol and cigarettes (actually don't eat meat but i love fish). We were talking about the cliche of the 'tortured' artist and how they are always drinking and smoking (humbling to realize that you are a cliche) and that there is this myth that to get in touch with with that deeper darker place you have to be self destructive to do so. G. had a genius insite as she smoked her parliment and drank her chardonnay; it's just more glamorous and sexy. It's more glamorous and sexy but it doesn't really get you there. It doesn't really get you into the juicy, gritty, soul stuff that I am supposed to be getting into as an artist. IN FACT, said G., it just serves as a big distraction. I thought this to be a very true and insightful observation.

So, getting back to the collage...all the flesh, cleavage and stilletos are very glamorous and sexy. They are what glamorous and sexy are all about. And even though I appreciate glamorous and sexy and find it very fun on occasion, it isn't what it is all about. It isn't what I'm about and it isn't what real women are about and it isn't what life is all about. It is fantasy. Fun, but fantasy.

So, the bigger question... why do we feel so compelled to distract ourselves SO much and so completely for most of our lives??? What are we running/hiding from? Why is it so scary? Who can show us the way out? Perhaps my readers would like to comment on this question?

Ribbons and Ink

It was so good to be back at JFK tonite. Seeing some familiar faces and some new ones and once again touching that magical place of meditation-ritual-art. My relationship to that place has grown stagnant in just 3 short weeks. Contributors to the stagnation was tremendous stress at work and working 6 days a week for a month. I feel like I have started to have some more balance again and tonites class was a gentle reminder of the direction I need to be traveling.